Once Upon a Cowboy Page 16

  Right.

  She wished she didn’t remember the truth. But that truth was part of her—it was wound around her very DNA. How would her best friends feel when they found out the real story of Jessalyn Alcott?

  Of Star Smith?

  Jess shook her head, turning back toward the living room. Hayley waited, uncharacteristically quiet, a frightened look on her face. When Jess didn’t move, she got up, came forward gingerly, put her hand on Jess’s shoulder.

  Jess flinched.

  Hayley drew her hand back, face suddenly ashen. “Jesus, Jess. You have to tell me. Whatever it is, we can handle it. I can help you. Whatever’s happening, we can figure this out.”

  Jess let her shoulders sink, shook her head, looked Hayley directly in the eyes. “It’s not that simple, Hayls.”

  “Of course not. I didn’t mean to simplify it, whatever it is. Just—can you tell me?”

  “I don’t know.” Again her voice was a whisper.

  Hayley reached for her elbow, but didn’t quite touch her. “Come sit. Do you want some tea? I’ll make you some tea. Definitely. Tea.”

  The last thing Jess wanted to do was add anything to her roiling stomach, but Hayley needed to do something to feel helpful, so she let her. She moved gingerly back to the couch while Hayley bustled in the kitchen, filling the kettle and setting out a mug.

  “Should I call Kyla down? Would that help, do you think?”

  Jess shook her head. “She’s busy. So are you, for goodness sake. I’m sorry.”

  “Nothing to be sorry for.” Hayley stood at the counter while the kettle heated, and Jess could only imagine the thoughts running through her head. Jess felt terrible. The woman was supposed to be on bridal cloud number nine right now, and here she was making tea for a bridesmaid on the edge.

  “Okay.” Hayley came back into the living area a couple of minutes later and set Jess’s mug in front of her. “Drink.”

  Jess dutifully picked up the mug and let its warmth seep through her chilled fingers. “Thanks, Hayls.”

  Hayley picked up the envelope she’d just brought down from the lodge, scanning the return address, tracing her finger over the handwriting, lifting one to check the postmark.

  Jess just breathed—one in, one out—trying to feel the air fill her lungs. Trying not to crumble.

  “So”—Hayley put the letter back on the table—“If Kyla were here, she’d have all sorts of gentle ways to get you talking, but since she’s not, we’re both a little stuck. I have no idea what this is all about, but I do know this—whatever it is, we can get through it. All three of us together can figure out what to do, right?”

  Jess couldn’t nod. It just wasn’t that simple.

  “So with that said, and since I’m not generally known for my tact or gracefulness, why don’t we just jump right to the part where you tell me what’s going on?”

  Hayley leaned forward, elbows on her knees, and Jess knew she wouldn’t leave until she knew the story, whatever it might be. On one hand, Jess loved her for it. On the other, she wished she could tell Hayley there was just a little misunderstanding she needed to work out for herself.

  But Hayley would never buy it, and that was Jess’s fault. As much as she was trying to hide her fear, Hayley was seeing through her, and that was disconcerting, to say the least. Where Kyla would have hovered at the edges and eventually worked around to getting Jess to talk, Hayley had been born with the blunt gene.

  And here she sat, body tense, waiting for an answer. Jess took a deep breath, counted to ten as she let it out. Took another one and did the same.

  Then, “I’m Star Smith. Star Smith is…me.”

  “What?” Hayley drew her eyebrows together. “What do you mean, I’m Star Smith?” She sat back, hand to her mouth, then whispered, “Oh my God. Are you a porn star or something?”

  A surprised laugh fled Jess’s mouth. Oh, if only it were that uncomplicated.

  “No! Not a porn star. God, Hayley!”

  “Well, it’s kind of a porn star name. Sorry!”

  Jess picked up one of the envelopes, then dropped it like it was too hot to hold. “Star Smith is the name I was born with.”

  “Oh.” Hayley leaned forward again and fingered the other envelope, eyebrows creased. “Really? Because wow. That doesn’t sound like a name your globe-trotting parents would pick.”

  Jess swallowed a snort. Globe-trotting parents. Just one of her many lies.

  “So how did you end up as Jess Alcott, then?”

  Jess sighed. If she’d had more time, maybe she’d have been able to concoct yet another cover story to layer over the other cover stories she’d already delivered over the years, but as it was, the second envelope had caught her off guard. Hayley finding the envelope had upped the off guard ante sky-high, and despite her best suppression techniques, suddenly all she felt was the truth wanting to come out.

  Dammit.

  Hayley raised her eyebrows. “Are you adopted?”

  “No.” Oh, how many times she’d wished for that to happen over the years. Wished for the social worker to show up unannounced and scoop her out of that trailer and to a nice little suburban ranch where she could sleep in the top bunk, eat Cheerios for breakfast, and go to church, then off to visit a grandma for Sunday dinner.

  “When—when did your name change? Who changed it?”

  Jess sighed. “Right before college. I did.”

  Hayley sat back. “Wow. That’s—huge. What did your parents think?”

  “She—they…didn’t know.”

  “When did they finally find out?”

  Jess gulped, pointing at the envelopes. “Now, apparently.”

  “Now?” Hayley stood up and started pacing. “I don’t get it.”

  Jess took a deep breath. “I—I just needed to reinvent myself.”

  “Because you were afraid to come to college with a porn star name? I don’t get it, Jess. Why didn’t you ever tell them? I mean, I know they’re overseas all the time and you don’t see them much, but seriously? How could they not know?”

  Jess sighed, sipping the tea.

  “They’re not overseas. Never were. I’m pretty sure they wouldn’t be able to find overseas on a globe. And there’s not really a they. My father took off before I was born.”

  Hayley cocked her head. “An-nd yet all through college—”

  “I know.”

  “So where were they, really? Or…she? Your mother?”

  “South Carolina. Just outside Charleston. Number 37 Breezy Meadow Trailer Park. Back row, fourth trailer on the left.” The words started filtering out.

  Hayley sat down hard. “What?”

  “Yeah.” Jess blew out a breath. Next would come Hayley’s realization that she’d been lied to since—well, since the day they’d met.

  “Why didn’t you ever tell us?”

  “I just couldn’t, Hayls. It was too—complicated.”

  Hayley shook her head. “None of this makes sense. Did you really think any of us would have cared? Wait. Where did you go at Thanksgiving? Christmas? Kyla and I were always jealous that you were headed somewhere exotic to meet your parents.”

  Jess shook her head. “I stayed in the dorm, usually.”

  “But—but they locked the dorms over the holidays.”

  “I was creative. And resourceful. And really good at hiding.”

  “Jess!”

  “I’m sorry, Hayley. It’s true. I’m not lying this time.”

  “So those pics of Tahiti you showed us?”

  “Google. Printed them in the library.”

  “And that blue-footed whatever-it-was from the Galápagos Islands?”

  “Google.”

  Hayley nodded. “So I’m assuming that view from the Eiffel Tower—Google?”

  “The only tower I’ve ever been up is the fire tower outside the town I grew up in.” Jess sighed. “I’m so, so sorry.”

  “What about the horses?” Hayley tipped her head. “You were always at the
barn at school, working with your horses.”

  Jess shook her head. “Not mine. It was a work-study job.”

  “Wow.” Hayley sat back. “Why did you lie—I’m just—floored.” Her words muddled together in hurt confusion. “Why didn’t you ever ask to come home with Kyla or me for the holidays?”

  “If I had done that, you would have expected me to return the favor, and there was no way I was inviting anyone back to where I grew up, okay?”

  “So you grew up in a trailer park. Who cares? Do you really think we would have thought differently of you if we’d known where you came from?”

  “It’s not about the trailer park, Hayley.”

  “Then what? What is it about?”

  “Let’s just say my family isn’t made up of the nicest people. Not the kind of folks you bring a friend home to meet.”

  Hayley rubbed her forehead, eyebrows scrunched together. “I don’t get it. I really don’t. And I’m trying really hard here not to be pissed that you ever thought it would matter. Why did you tell so many lies, Jess? What did you really think would happen if you just told the truth? Why couldn’t you be honest with us?”

  Jess felt tears gather behind her eyes. She’d buried the memories so deeply that she didn’t want to give voice to them. Didn’t want to let them bubble back to the surface and send her back down the black hole that had been her life.

  But they were right here, biting and clawing and churning in her throat.

  “Honesty wasn’t an option, Hayley. Trust me on that.”

  “Why the hell not? This doesn’t make any sense.” Jess saw color rising in Hayley’s cheeks. “Why were you so afraid of the truth?”

  “Because.” Jess practically spit the word out between clenched teeth. She took a shaky breath. Then, hardly believing she was doing it, she fingered the hem of her shirt.

  “Because this is my truth, Hayley.”

  Slowly, she lifted her shirt, exposing her abdomen.

  Chapter 19

  Hayley’s sharp intake of breath made Jess flinch, made her look down at the sight she tried to ignore every time she showered, every time she changed her clothes.

  “Jess?” Hayley’s voice was a whisper. “Who did this?”

  —

  “Hold her arms, Luanne. Miss smartymouth needs a lesson.” Roxie lit a cigarette, and Star found her eyes immediately mesmerized by the glowing tip. She tried to rip her eyes away from it, but she swore she could hear it burning, could hear the quiet sizzle.

  “What’d she do this time?” Luanne caught Star as she tried to duck under her arm and head across the tiny excuse for a living room toward the door.

  “Little too big for her britches. Again.” Roxie puffed on her Marlboro. “She’s ten going on sixteen tonight. You got her?”

  Star struggled as Luanne pinned her arms behind her. She tried to kick, but Luanne just laughed that gravelly laugh. “Sorry, baby. No can do. Your mama’s got something to say.”

  Roxie advanced on her, cigarette glowing. “You gonna talk back to me again, Star?”

  “No.” Probably. Star tried to stand up to her full height, tried not to act scared. Tried to calculate how long it’d be before she outweighed Luanne and could escape the both of them forever.

  Roxie grabbed the hem of her T-shirt, played with it a little bit, taunting. “You sure about that, darlin’?”

  “Promise. I won’t sass anymore. Just please, please put down the cigarette.”

  Roxie looked at Luanne. “Should I put it down, Luanne?”

  “I don’t know, Rox. Ain’t sure I believe her. You don’t teach her right from wrong, who’s gonna?”

  Roxie took a long puff on her Marlboro, making the tip glow. Oh God. She shook her head. “I’m sorry, darlin’. You know this hurts me more than it does you.”

  Roxie lifted up her shirt, and Star tightened her stomach muscles, tried to prepare for the searing heat.

  “You’re gonna learn, baby girl. One of these days you’re gonna learn.”

  —

  “Are these—cigarette burns?” Hayley’s voice was dead soft as she looked at Jess’s stomach.

  Jess nodded miserably as she let her shirt fall. “Not so Tahiti, eh?”

  “Oh, Jess.” Hayley’s eyes filled with tears. “How could you never tell us?”

  “I don’t know. I just—how do you tell this? I was trying so hard to leave it behind. Trying to create a new life so the old one didn’t make me insane.”

  “Did your mother do this?”

  “Yeah. Aunt Luanne held my arms, and Roxie did the honors.”

  Hayley held her stomach. “I feel sick. Please tell me they’re in jail.”

  “No. As far as I know, they’re still at 37 Breezy Meadow Park.” Jess pointed at the letters. “I tried to get away. I tried to hide from them. That’s why I changed my name. I had to create a new—me. Because the old me was pretty much buried alive, and I couldn’t see any way out besides this. That’s why I came all the way to Boston. I just wanted to be as far away from them as possible.”

  “But now they’ve found you.”

  Jess nodded. “Apparently.”

  Hayley wiped her eyes, but more tears leaked out. “Shit, Jess. I want to be really pissed at you right now for shouldering this all by yourself for so long, but I more want to head for Breezy Meadow with a shotgun.”

  “That’s a true friend for you.” Jess worked up a watery smile.

  “Why weren’t they ever prosecuted for this?”

  “It’s not that black and white.” Jess shook her head. “And I would have had to testify, or at least talk to the police. Honestly—and I know it sounds a little insane—I was more afraid of the police than I was of my mother. She made sure of that.”

  “So how’d you finally get out? How did you go from that hellhole to…Boston?”

  “I had a grandfather who finally realized what was going on. He rescued me and got me out of there. Stole into the trailer and dug up my birth certificate and social security card so I could change my name if I wanted to.”

  No need to tell Hayley what had happened to precipitate that particular rescue. Jess had already shocked her enough with her other revelations.

  “Why didn’t he go to the police?”

  Jess shook her head. “It was complicated. There were other people involved, too.” Billy. “Leaving was the best choice. Grampy did it the only way he knew how. Took me to a shelter, introduced me as Jessalyn Alcott, and then—gave me a kiss good-bye.” Jess’s voice wavered. “That’s the last time I ever saw him, and now—now he’s gone. He said someday he’d find me, but—he can’t anymore.”

  For almost a week, Jess had been holding back the tears that threatened every time she thought of Grampy. She’d blinked hard, taken deep breaths, tried to force his kind, wrinkled face out of her head. But now, sitting here on this couch, she could almost feel Grampy’s arms around her that last time.

  “Oh, honey.” Hayley pulled Jess into her arms. “Saying I’m sorry just doesn’t even begin to cover things, but I am so damn sorry this happened to you.”

  She hugged her hard, and for the first time in forever, Jess let go. She felt the tears gathering again, but this time she didn’t fight back. She let them fall, let the sobs erupt when they threatened, let Hayley rub her back and hand her tissue after tissue while she held her tight, not saying a word.

  Twenty minutes later, when Jess’s eyes felt like she’d been crying for days and her nose was raw from the tissues, there was a knock on the door.

  “Oh God.” She sniffed and sat up straight. “Who’s that?”

  Before she could make a dash for the bathroom, though, Kyla let herself in, all sparkles and sunshine. “Hey, girls! What’s going on in here?”

  Then her face fell, and she looked from Jess to Hayley and back again. “Jess?”

  When Jess didn’t answer, she looked at Hayley. “Hayls?” She took a tentative step forward. “What in the world?”

  Jess c
losed her eyes, took a deep breath. Hayley saved her by putting a hand on each shoulder and steering her toward the bathroom. “Go take a moment, okay?”

  Gratefully, Jess moved toward the bathroom, almost on autopilot. But though her back was turned, she could practically feel the silent signals passing between Hayley and Kyla. And as she closed the door and sat down on the cool tile floor, she heard their voices as a low, low hum.

  As her tears dried and she finally got to a point where she could draw a breath without a hitch in it, she was filled with something that edged out the fear a little bit. It had taken every bit of courage she possessed to tell Hayley what she had, to lift the edge of her shirt and give a glimpse of her childhood, but although the letters still sat on that coffee table and the threat of Roxie and Luanne finding her was very, very real, she felt a small seed of hope.

  Tiny, barely formed, but there in a minuscule pinprick of light.

  She had her girls. Kyla and Hayley would help her. She had come to Whisper Creek in fear, and maybe that had been unfair to everyone here, but in the end, she knew they’d help her. If she dared to ask, they would help her.

  The chill of the tile seeped through her jeans, but as it did, she felt warmer than she’d felt in a long, long time. Maybe her own family was completely for shit, but maybe—just maybe—she’d found a new family she could actually rely on to act like one.

  Maybe at Whisper Creek…she’d finally discovered a home.

  She opened the bathroom door, but hadn’t taken three steps before Kyla’s arms were firmly around her. “We’ve got you, Jessie. It’s all going to be okay. We’re going to open this envelope together, and whatever’s in it, it’s okay. We’ll figure it out together.”

  Kyla kept an arm around her as they walked to the couch, and for the first time she could remember, Jess let herself lean on her friends. She let Kyla’s arm squeeze her tight, let Hayley huddle close as they sat down. She fingered the envelope with Roxie’s writing on the front, paused her thumb before she ripped it open.